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Your
Top 10 Planning Problems Solved!
You've got questions, we've got answers. Here, solutions for
everything from BUDGET WOES to STRESS OVERLOAD.
by
Tracey Porpora
The
burst of excitement that accompanies getting engaged...He asked!
You said yes! Your families and friends are jazzed! This will turn,
soon enough, into the business of planning a wedding. Not that this
stage doesn't have an excitement factor of its own, but let's face
it, organizing a wedding takes work, thought, effort. You'll soon
realize if you have not already that the process from drafting the
guest list, to balancing the budget comes with headaches you may
not have anticipated. Your concerns may be new to you, but we've
heard it before... How can I keep stress from overtaking joy? How
can I pay these bills? We've compiled 10 of the most pressing problems
brides face – and had experts offer answers. Hey, we're here
to help!
1.
My guest list has grown to twice what I anticipated. How did that
happen, and what can I do about it?
The way it happens is simple. You start with a "tame"
list of family and friends. Then you take that nice, neat list to
your parents and your fiancé's parents. 0ops! You've forgotten
Great Aunt Tilly and her brood. And what about your fiancé's
father's many business associates? Those old neighbors? Before you
know it, your list and with it the cost of your reception has doubled.
This may sound harsh, but the best way to deal with an out-of-control
list is to be tough. And not just with your parents, but with yourselves.
Start with an ideal number, divide it among the "players"
(you two, each of your parents) and draft your initial lists. When
it comes to cutting and it will, assign everyone a number to cut.
That includes you. Consider how long it's been since you've spoken
to the people on the list, and how many you are 99 percent sure
won't come. "Think about who you are inviting out of obligation
and guilt, and who you would regret not having invited," says
Cynthia Muchnick, author of "The Frugal Bride" and "The
Ultimate Wedding Idea Book" (Prima). "You want to be able
to look at your wedding album and see the people nearest and dearest
to you."
Parents giving you grief? Be firm. Leanne Scott, 25, and Alex Brown,
26, of Washington D.C., told their parents outright that they simply
couldn't afford to invite all the guests they wanted. "I gave
them two options: Anything over what I could afford they could pay
for, or we could do tier A and tier B lists. If they get no's from
the tier A list, then they can invite those from tier B." says
Leanne. Yes, it's tough. But it's fair.
2.
My mother calls me for wedding updates on a daily basis. I’m
happy to involve her, but I want to plan my wedding at my own pace.
What can I do?
Your mom can be your closest confidant during the wedding planning
process, or the biggest thorn in your side. Look at it from her
perspective: She's excited, but if she wants to move faster than
you do, it will help you both to slow her down. Although it may
seem that the best way to keep her out of your hair is to keep her
out of the loop, the opposite is true. By sharing details and timeframes
with your mother, you can keep her from jumping the gun and insisting
you choose invites before you've even booked a reception site, says
Gregory Hyder, Director of Catering at the Peninsula Hotel in Chicago.
"Give her a copy of your schedule. When she asks about a detail,
say, 'We're not up to that yet.' Daily phone calls a problem? "Send
her an e-mail update once a week," says Ann Montgomery, owner
of Anntastic Events in Northern California.
3.
I thought I was smart. I booked a reception hall more than a year
in advance, leaving a $2,000 deposit. Now it's gone out of business.
Is there any way to get my money back?
Because there's no going back in time, we hope that you signed a
very thorough contract when you paid your deposit. If you didn't,
or if your contract didn't stipulate what would happen if the vendor
went bust, you may be out in the cold on this one. From here on
in, and with every other vendor, get wise on contracts which should
detail the services to be rendered. Before you sign anything, read
the fine print. If a contract doesn't state that your deposit will
be refunded should a vendor go out of business, have it added. "You
have to read a contract line by line," says Sue Winner, a wedding
consultant in Atlanta and author of "The Complete Idiot's Guide
to Budgeting For Your Wedding" (Macmillan). "The most
important part of every contract is how you are going to get out
of it."
To help guard against unreliable vendors, check references, and
contact the Better Business Bureau (www.BBB.org). You can also query
the Chamber of Commerce in the area where the reception will take
place to ask if your hired professionals are upstanding members
of the business community. While you may not get your original deposit
back, at least you still have time to re-book somewhere else...and
you have newfound smarts!
4.
I was maid of honor for my sister and two best friends. Now I'm
in the choosing position... Who gets to be my maid of honor?
You might think we'd tell you to pick the woman you feel closest
to, but we're not going to say that. Assuming you love them all
dearly and want to honor them all, pick your sister. You know the
old saying: "Blood is thicker than water." If you didn't
choose your sis, she would by hurt, but true friends will not be
insulted to lose the top spot (and might be grateful in the bargain).
Should you fancy having just one honor attendant, bestow other high-profile
jobs on your friends, like doing a reading or making a toast. A
final option: Buck tradition altogether. Unable to pick just one
friend to be her maid of honor, Sonya Snyder, 41, asked her three
nieces, ages 3, 5, and 7, to be "seashell girls" at her
beach wedding. What friend could feel slighted by that decision?
5.
I've budgeted for the "Big Things"... reception site,
photographer, band, flowers. With less cash left than I thought,
how can I trim the costs on the rest?
First, don't try to scale back by nixing things you've already planned.
If you love the photographer you've already hired, trying to find
another who charges less may leave you unhappy in the long run...
not worth any savings. That said, you should definitely revisit
areas like catering and see if the pros you've hired can trim existing
costs.
Meanwhile, it's never too late to scale back on the undone portions
of your planning (favors, invites, transportation, etc.). Rest assured,
a little creativity will stretch a long way. Try: Buying fancy paper
and making invitations and programs by computer. Creating or purchasing
inexpensive favors. "Paint napkin rings from a craft store,
wrap cookies or fudge in cellophane, burn a CD of your favorite
songs, or decorate small potted plants" says Muchnick. Hiring
a van or bus for a bridal party. It's cheaper and more fun than
a stretch limo. Or, see if a pal with a cool car can drive you.
6.
I was so happy to start planning my wedding, but after months of
it, I'm stressed all the time. I'm snapping at my fiancé,
losing sleep, breaking out. Help!
Wedding stress may not be inevitable (if we could bottle and sell
a stress-free experience, we'd be rich!), but when it happens, it
has the power to eat you alive if you let it. Here's a contradiction
for you... Your stress derives directly from one of the happiest
moments of your life! Try as best you can to take that stress and
turn it into positive energy. When you're feeling wound up by a
wedding problem, just let it go...literally. Leave your daily planner
at the office, less chance of obsessing over it while you're at
home. Call a friend who agrees not to talk about the wedding, and
go out for coffee or a drink. Lock yourself in the bathroom for
a soothing bath. Surround yourself with calming, not carping, people.
Best of all, plan time to get away from it all with your fiancé.
If you find yourself getting snarky with everyone around you, you
may need to take a step back, says Dr. Bill Crawford, a Houston-based
psychologist and author of "All Stressed Up and Nowhere
to Go!" (Humanics Publishing). You have been thinking
about how you want your wedding to be for a long time. If your mother,
mother-in-law, whoever, has a different idea, it can drive you nuts.
Instead of snapping at others, try to explain calmly why you want
things a certain way. And do something to change your mindset. "If
that means taking a walk or deep breathing, do it to break the cycle.
Then refocus on the big picture, and what your upcoming marriage
means," says Crawford.
7.
My parents are divorced and hardly speak to each other. I need the
total divorced-parents outline... how to word invitations, seat
them at the ceremony and reception, and announce them at the reception.
I don't want anyone upset--including me!
"The easiest thing to do in these situations is to follow traditions
and etiquette to the letter," says Winner. "If you stick
to established rules, no one can 'blame' you." Etiquette calls
for Mom to be listed first on the invitations, then Dad (even if
he's paying for it). So it would be: Mona Greene (or Mr. and Mrs.
Peter Finch, if your mom is remarried) on the first line, followed
by George Greene (or Mr. and Mrs. George Greene, if your dad is
remarried) on the second line. As for ceremony seating, your mother
gets the first row and your father the second. However, if you don'
t want dad to think he's second fiddle, seat your parents in the
same row, but create a buffer by seating other family members in
between. When announcing remarried parents at the reception, do
it this way: "Mona Finch, the mother of the bride, and her
husband, John, followed by George Greene, the father of the bride,
and his wife, Melanie." Everybody happy!
8.
Good news: My in-laws gave us a generous engagement gift to pay
for part of the wedding. Bad news: They believe that gives them
the power to make decisions. Are they right?
Back in the days when the bride's parents paid for everything, you
only had those two butting in with their two cents. (Well, usually
a lot more than two cents!) Now, unless you pay for the whole shindig
yourself, which many brides and grooms do these days, you may have
several "benefactors" wanting a say. The question is,
by accepting a lump sum, are you required to cede control over what
that amount will pay for?
"It all depends on how they gave the gift," says Winner.
"If the gift-giver says, 'Here is $5,000, I would like to assist
with the wedding,' then the money can go into the hopper for general
use." However, if the giver says, "Here is $5,000 for
the band," then they've earned a say in the band-hiring decision.
Knowing that her parents would foot a portion of her wedding costs,
Gina Seamans, 34, of Arvada, Colorado, decided to save money on
her own, accumulating a nest egg with which she could pay for those
things she and her fiancé wanted absolute decision-making
power over. "If Mom was going to pay for it, Mom was going
to have the final say," says Gina. "We paid for the things
that were most important to us: the photography, cake, and honeymoon."
What you have to hope is that the gift-giver's "say" is
something you can work with. We're assuming everyone's playing nice.
If they're not, well, that's the subject of another question. No,
a whole other book.
9.
My bridesmaids are all different sizes and have varying tastes.
We haven't even started shopping and I'm afraid we won't be able
to settle on a dress everyone likes...
Ah, that's because you're assuming that all your bridesmaids need
to be dressed identically, a concept that is, thankfully in our
opinion, losing popular ground. A wonderful alternative to the bridesmaid
"uniform": Choose a certain color and designer that you
like, and then have each bridesmaid pick a dress that best flatters
her body type. Many designers make related lines of dresses that
use the same fabrics. Choosing different dresses in the same line
allows each bridesmaid to have her own unique gown, yet one that
still compliments the others.
Separates provide the most flexibility, and plenty of manufacturers
make them. "A bride will choose the same skirt, like an A-line,
and offer her bridesmaids a number of tops: short sleeve, halter,
strapless, to match," says Lisa Lieberman of bridesmaid dress
manufacturer, Bill Levkoff, Inc. Just think: A short-sleeve option
for your friend with upper arm issues, a racier halter number for
your gym-bunny pal, a sweet scoop neck for your junior maid... Remember,
when they're happy, you're happy!
10.
When I dream about my wedding, I imagine tons of flowers, very lavish.
However, my dreams and my budget are two different things! How can
I make less look like more?
It's all about illusion. Costly floral arrangements are not the
only way to create a gorgeous decor. Get creative with presentation,
and you can make a few blooms look like a garden of earthly delights.
"Grapes, lemons, limes, apples, pears, small melons, gourds,
and artichokes are just a few samples of items that add texture,
color, interest and the illusion of abundance at a relatively small
cost," says Laura Holycross, event and wedding designer for
Event Design Studio in Los Angeles. "Also, think of items that
add to the wedding theme or season that can be included in the floral
design at a minimal cost, such as miniature white birdhouses laced
with greenery as centerpieces at a spring wedding, or seashells
at a summer or beach-themed wedding." '
Also, instead of flowers, inquire if your reception facility rents
greenery, which can be just as spectacular in decor as flowers,
yet much less costly, suggests Montgomery. Our tip: lots of little
white lights. They're inexpensive and can create a soft, ethereal
look, especially against greenery or within an all-white tent. And
don't forget the humble candle... to boost the impact of a simple
floral centerpiece, a group of different-sized pillar candles adds
drama to the tables.
If, however, you have your heart set on flowers, stick with in-season
blooms, and consider "transitional" floral arrangements,
says Peter Couture, party and special event designer, and owner
of Blossom's Plus in Westport, Connecticut. "I try to look
at what we can do to create an arrangement that will transition
from the ceremony to the reception," he says, noting that "a
floral arrangement for the ceremony can later be used near the entranceway
or on the buffet table at the reception site. There's simply no
reason your budget should get in the way of your dreams."
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