Quotes and Wisdom
from the Top of the Mind™
from the Top of the Mind™
Change
"Change isn't the problem. People can deal with change, they just can't deal with being changed."
In today's rapidly changing world, there seems to be a lot of discussion around the challenges or problems "change" can bring to one's life, and certainly there is validity to this concern. For example, due to the speed in which data is transmitted today, and the ever-shrinking nature of our global community, the pace at which we go about our daily lives certainly seems faster, which of course makes the process of dealing with the changes brought on by such a fast paced existence more challenging.
I wonder, however, if this (the fact that things change) is the real problem, or whether it has more to do with how we experience the process of change? And if indeed our experience is the defining variable, maybe this can be a place to intervene so that we have more influence over how our experience of change affects our experience of life.
For example, when we are making changes that we have decided are good or necessary, have you noticed how we deal with these situations differently? Whether we are considering something as simple as new software for our computer or as complex as a new partner in our life, when we are choosing to change or looking forward to the value that change can bring to our lives, we seem to respond to the process in a very different way. This isn't to say that we don't have any problems with what are often new and unfamiliar challenges brought on by the change. However, if we are participating in the process from a point of choice versus coercion, then we seem to accept the challenges as just part of the process and either ignore or minimize them.
This is very different from how we react to "being" changed, or having change forced upon us, however, and I believe that this is where the real problem lies. For example, I'm going to suggest that when people are being forced to change, their natural reaction is resistance and resentment. There are many reasons for this... (1) They may feel out of control, and this often triggers a fight-or-flight reaction (2) On the job, they may feel that the quality of their work will diminish because of the amount of time it will take to learn how to do things in "this new way," or even worse, that they may lose their job if they don't change fast enough. (3) They may not see why the change is necessary and thus feel like those in charge are just acting on a whim and making their life miserable in the process. Whatever the reason, when people are being forced to change, the initial reaction is rarely positive. In fact, you have probably seen this happen in families, as well as at work where children, spouses, and even parents will dig in their heels and become very resistant when changes seem to come down on them without any warning or in ways that usurp their will or volition.
So, if indeed we have defined the problem not as change, but how people (including ourselves) react to being changed, what can be done? Well, if you are in charge of bringing change to your organization (or family), you might want to give some extra thought to how involving those involved might be a good idea. Rather than just announcing what is about to change, and expecting them to just "deal with it," you might allow those involved to speak to the problem that the change is designed to address. This will often allow them to see the proposed change not as just some new idea thrust upon them as a whim, but something that will be of value to them because it is designed to solve just the sort of problems that they have identified. You might let them know that you understand that there is a learning curve inherent in any new process and that you aren't going to be looking over their shoulders just waiting for them to make a mistake. You might let them know that you see them as the experts at what they do and that they are going to be part of the process of evaluating the change (versus being evaluated themselves).
If you are the one who is reacting to "being changed" in a way that has you feeling angry, resentful, frustrated, etc., however, then you might choose to approach this in a different manner. Of course, I'm not saying that you "shouldn't" react this way, or that you have no right to feel angry and resentful, I just want you to ask yourself several questions: (1) How is this reaction working for you? (2) Do you really want this person or group of people to be able to make you feel this way? (3) Do you really want them to have this much power in your life?
If your answers are: "It's not (working for me)" and/or "No, I don't want this situation or these people to have this much power in my life!" then I believe that we must be willing to change how we are dealing with change, meaning that the only way to keep others from having power over us and our reactions is to take on that power ourselves. How do we do this? First, we need to claim our power as adults. When we were children, we were in many ways powerless because when there was a problem, we could neither change the situation nor leave it. As adults, this is no longer true, and yet it is this familiar feeling of being "trapped" and "having no choice" that often leads to the unwanted reactions of anger and resentment. Remember, I'm not saying that we have no right to these feelings, however, if we have determined that these reactions no longer serve us, then we must acknowledge one simple truth: Unless we are talking about being harmed physically, no one can change us or make us feel anything without our permission.
Therefore, if we see ourselves as the ones "being changed," maybe we should reexamine whether we want to continue to view ourselves from this powerless position. Or put another way, if as adults we are choosing to stay and deal with whatever changes are being proposed, then maybe we should also choose how we want to react to the situation, or how we want to define ourselves in the process. On the other hand, if we have determined that the changes that we are being asked to make are unacceptable, then we always have the power to leave. In this way, we will always be the ones changing versus the ones being changed, and from this position of choice and power, we will be in control of how our experience of change affects our experience of life.
I wonder, however, if this (the fact that things change) is the real problem, or whether it has more to do with how we experience the process of change? And if indeed our experience is the defining variable, maybe this can be a place to intervene so that we have more influence over how our experience of change affects our experience of life.
For example, when we are making changes that we have decided are good or necessary, have you noticed how we deal with these situations differently? Whether we are considering something as simple as new software for our computer or as complex as a new partner in our life, when we are choosing to change or looking forward to the value that change can bring to our lives, we seem to respond to the process in a very different way. This isn't to say that we don't have any problems with what are often new and unfamiliar challenges brought on by the change. However, if we are participating in the process from a point of choice versus coercion, then we seem to accept the challenges as just part of the process and either ignore or minimize them.
This is very different from how we react to "being" changed, or having change forced upon us, however, and I believe that this is where the real problem lies. For example, I'm going to suggest that when people are being forced to change, their natural reaction is resistance and resentment. There are many reasons for this... (1) They may feel out of control, and this often triggers a fight-or-flight reaction (2) On the job, they may feel that the quality of their work will diminish because of the amount of time it will take to learn how to do things in "this new way," or even worse, that they may lose their job if they don't change fast enough. (3) They may not see why the change is necessary and thus feel like those in charge are just acting on a whim and making their life miserable in the process. Whatever the reason, when people are being forced to change, the initial reaction is rarely positive. In fact, you have probably seen this happen in families, as well as at work where children, spouses, and even parents will dig in their heels and become very resistant when changes seem to come down on them without any warning or in ways that usurp their will or volition.
So, if indeed we have defined the problem not as change, but how people (including ourselves) react to being changed, what can be done? Well, if you are in charge of bringing change to your organization (or family), you might want to give some extra thought to how involving those involved might be a good idea. Rather than just announcing what is about to change, and expecting them to just "deal with it," you might allow those involved to speak to the problem that the change is designed to address. This will often allow them to see the proposed change not as just some new idea thrust upon them as a whim, but something that will be of value to them because it is designed to solve just the sort of problems that they have identified. You might let them know that you understand that there is a learning curve inherent in any new process and that you aren't going to be looking over their shoulders just waiting for them to make a mistake. You might let them know that you see them as the experts at what they do and that they are going to be part of the process of evaluating the change (versus being evaluated themselves).
If you are the one who is reacting to "being changed" in a way that has you feeling angry, resentful, frustrated, etc., however, then you might choose to approach this in a different manner. Of course, I'm not saying that you "shouldn't" react this way, or that you have no right to feel angry and resentful, I just want you to ask yourself several questions: (1) How is this reaction working for you? (2) Do you really want this person or group of people to be able to make you feel this way? (3) Do you really want them to have this much power in your life?
If your answers are: "It's not (working for me)" and/or "No, I don't want this situation or these people to have this much power in my life!" then I believe that we must be willing to change how we are dealing with change, meaning that the only way to keep others from having power over us and our reactions is to take on that power ourselves. How do we do this? First, we need to claim our power as adults. When we were children, we were in many ways powerless because when there was a problem, we could neither change the situation nor leave it. As adults, this is no longer true, and yet it is this familiar feeling of being "trapped" and "having no choice" that often leads to the unwanted reactions of anger and resentment. Remember, I'm not saying that we have no right to these feelings, however, if we have determined that these reactions no longer serve us, then we must acknowledge one simple truth: Unless we are talking about being harmed physically, no one can change us or make us feel anything without our permission.
Therefore, if we see ourselves as the ones "being changed," maybe we should reexamine whether we want to continue to view ourselves from this powerless position. Or put another way, if as adults we are choosing to stay and deal with whatever changes are being proposed, then maybe we should also choose how we want to react to the situation, or how we want to define ourselves in the process. On the other hand, if we have determined that the changes that we are being asked to make are unacceptable, then we always have the power to leave. In this way, we will always be the ones changing versus the ones being changed, and from this position of choice and power, we will be in control of how our experience of change affects our experience of life.
Take care and God bless, Dr. Bill