Quotes and Wisdom
from the Top of the Mind™
from the Top of the Mind™
Character #2
"As we interact with others, we can either be a person who is bringing out their best or pointing out their worst. Regardless, however, our choice is always more information about us than them."
Have you noticed how different people effect those with whom they come in contact in different ways? Some people just seem to look for (and thus bring out) the best in others, while others seem to find nothing but fault in everyone they meet. This, of course, is just another facet of human behavior that makes the study of our specie so intriguing. However, what I find really interesting about this phenomena isn't that it exists. What amazes me is that so many people believe that this discrepancy (between bringing out other's best or pointing out their worst) seems to depend on who they are talking about.
In other words, when people are discussing the positive or negative traits of some particular person, they actually think that they are generating information about someone else! Of course, there are times when a heightened awareness of another's tendencies (either positive or negative) can certainly be "good information" about whether we want this person in our lives. However, I'm going to suggest that our general tendency to be a person who brings out the best in others or points out their worst always says much more about us than them.
This belief comes from a quote that I use in almost all of my presentations that says, "Every thought, emotion, and action is a statement about who we are and who we are becoming." I have added to this, "So why not make this statement 'on purpose?" You see, I believe that in our interactions with others, few of us are making a purposeful statement about who we want to be. In other words, I don't think people are waking up each morning and saying that they looking forward to being a person who finds fault in everyone they meet. And yet, I would also imagine that we all know people who relate to the world from just this sort of negative perspective.
Why is this? It certainly can't be a very effective method for creating a happy, meaningful experience of life, or creating the sort of loving, long-lasting relationships that we all desire. I'm going to suggest that the reason these people interact this way with others in this negative way is that they are frightened. I know, they certainly don't act frightened in the sense that they shrink from others, in fact, they may do just the opposite by getting in people's faces, and telling them off every chance they get. So, why would I suggest that we see these folks as frightened? Well, there are many reasons (most having to do with what I have learned about how our adult personalities are shaped by our experiences growing up and how easily our brain goes into a fight-or-flight reaction), but the main reason I suggest that we see difficult people as frightened versus frightening is that this perspective allows us to avoid joining them in their negative appraisal of others (i.e. us judging them) and allows us to define ourselves in a more purposeful way.
In other words, I would imagine that most of us want to define ourselves as people who bring out the best in others, and thus seeing negative people as frightened (versus dysfunctional, abusive, wrong, etc.) allows us to hold on to the vision that underneath their fear is their best. This way, when we are interacting with them, we don't have to point out that they are wrong or bad (which, of course, they would only reject) but instead we can see past the frightened behavior to the person beneath the fear, and this vision can be beneficial to all concerned. We benefit by defining ourselves "on purpose" as people who look for the best in others, and because we are speaking to/pointing out this "other part" of them, they have the opportunity to benefit by shifting from their worst toward their best.
Now, of course, if they insist in hanging on to this negative faultfinding perspective, then we may not choose to spend much time with them because we know that we are 100% responsible for how we create our experience of life which, of course, includes a purposeful decision about with whom we spend our time. The good news, however, is that just as how they are reacting is good information for them and how we respond to them is good information for us, removing ourselves from their presence can also be good information about the effect they are having on people in their lives. In fact, I would imagine if everyone did this (removed themselves from their company when they began their faultfinding behavior) they might reconsider whether this persona is truly serving them.
Now, the challenge, of course, in choosing this tact of removing ourselves is to do it in a way that doesn't turn us into a faultfinder. This is challenging because it is so tempting to blame them for our withdrawal. Therefore, if defining yourself "on purpose" is important to you, I would encourage you create a vision or image of how you might want to look for the best in others, and if they still insist on showing you their worst, create a plan to disengage with that part of them while still knowing that who they really are (who they were when they were born) is a child of God (thinking of them as a baby will make this easier by the way). Just because they have become frightened (and now identify with that fear so that they relate to the world from this perspective), this doesn't mean that this is who they really are. More importantly, just because people show us their worst doesn't mean that we must believe in their fear and begin to search for ways to protect ourselves.
The bottom line is if we want to define ourselves as someone who brings out the best in others, we must first be willing to hold a vision of them at their best and then look for opportunities to speak to this persona. Then, if they remain frightened, we can choose to remain present (or not) depending upon the criteria we have chosen for how we spend our time. Regardless, however, we will be taking 100% responsibility for defining who we are (bringing out our best) and thus creating our experience of life in a more purposeful way.
In other words, when people are discussing the positive or negative traits of some particular person, they actually think that they are generating information about someone else! Of course, there are times when a heightened awareness of another's tendencies (either positive or negative) can certainly be "good information" about whether we want this person in our lives. However, I'm going to suggest that our general tendency to be a person who brings out the best in others or points out their worst always says much more about us than them.
This belief comes from a quote that I use in almost all of my presentations that says, "Every thought, emotion, and action is a statement about who we are and who we are becoming." I have added to this, "So why not make this statement 'on purpose?" You see, I believe that in our interactions with others, few of us are making a purposeful statement about who we want to be. In other words, I don't think people are waking up each morning and saying that they looking forward to being a person who finds fault in everyone they meet. And yet, I would also imagine that we all know people who relate to the world from just this sort of negative perspective.
Why is this? It certainly can't be a very effective method for creating a happy, meaningful experience of life, or creating the sort of loving, long-lasting relationships that we all desire. I'm going to suggest that the reason these people interact this way with others in this negative way is that they are frightened. I know, they certainly don't act frightened in the sense that they shrink from others, in fact, they may do just the opposite by getting in people's faces, and telling them off every chance they get. So, why would I suggest that we see these folks as frightened? Well, there are many reasons (most having to do with what I have learned about how our adult personalities are shaped by our experiences growing up and how easily our brain goes into a fight-or-flight reaction), but the main reason I suggest that we see difficult people as frightened versus frightening is that this perspective allows us to avoid joining them in their negative appraisal of others (i.e. us judging them) and allows us to define ourselves in a more purposeful way.
In other words, I would imagine that most of us want to define ourselves as people who bring out the best in others, and thus seeing negative people as frightened (versus dysfunctional, abusive, wrong, etc.) allows us to hold on to the vision that underneath their fear is their best. This way, when we are interacting with them, we don't have to point out that they are wrong or bad (which, of course, they would only reject) but instead we can see past the frightened behavior to the person beneath the fear, and this vision can be beneficial to all concerned. We benefit by defining ourselves "on purpose" as people who look for the best in others, and because we are speaking to/pointing out this "other part" of them, they have the opportunity to benefit by shifting from their worst toward their best.
Now, of course, if they insist in hanging on to this negative faultfinding perspective, then we may not choose to spend much time with them because we know that we are 100% responsible for how we create our experience of life which, of course, includes a purposeful decision about with whom we spend our time. The good news, however, is that just as how they are reacting is good information for them and how we respond to them is good information for us, removing ourselves from their presence can also be good information about the effect they are having on people in their lives. In fact, I would imagine if everyone did this (removed themselves from their company when they began their faultfinding behavior) they might reconsider whether this persona is truly serving them.
Now, the challenge, of course, in choosing this tact of removing ourselves is to do it in a way that doesn't turn us into a faultfinder. This is challenging because it is so tempting to blame them for our withdrawal. Therefore, if defining yourself "on purpose" is important to you, I would encourage you create a vision or image of how you might want to look for the best in others, and if they still insist on showing you their worst, create a plan to disengage with that part of them while still knowing that who they really are (who they were when they were born) is a child of God (thinking of them as a baby will make this easier by the way). Just because they have become frightened (and now identify with that fear so that they relate to the world from this perspective), this doesn't mean that this is who they really are. More importantly, just because people show us their worst doesn't mean that we must believe in their fear and begin to search for ways to protect ourselves.
The bottom line is if we want to define ourselves as someone who brings out the best in others, we must first be willing to hold a vision of them at their best and then look for opportunities to speak to this persona. Then, if they remain frightened, we can choose to remain present (or not) depending upon the criteria we have chosen for how we spend our time. Regardless, however, we will be taking 100% responsibility for defining who we are (bringing out our best) and thus creating our experience of life in a more purposeful way.
Take care and God bless, Dr. Bill