Quotes and Wisdom
from the Top of the Mind™
from the Top of the Mind™
Conflict Resolution
"You can't always stay in your corner of the forest waiting for others to come to you. Sometimes, you have to go to them."
The wisdom in this week's quote from the great philosopher, W.T. Pooh, goes far beyond the concept of location to give us valuable information on creating solutions with others in all aspects of life. For example, how often have you noticed individuals, couples, coworkers, families, organizations, nations . . . sitting obstinately in their corner of the world with their arms crossed, determined not to move an inch? Unfortunately, the image is all too common, and when everyone does this, all we have are defended corners and defensive positions, which only create more gridlock and conflict.
Of course, when this happens with children, we understand, because we can see how their fear can paralyze and polarize them in a way that only makes the situation worse. In other words, when we can see the child as frightened versus frightening, we can venture into their part of the forest with relative ease and little to no worry. In situations such as these, we can approach the child with no fear of being seen as weak or as "giving in," and thus, are often successful in resolving the conflict. Unfortunately, this ability to move toward others as a way of solving problems seems to diminish when the parties involved are adults.
Those of you who have heard me speak know that I explain all of this in terms of how our brain processes information. That is, when our brain interprets another's behavior or perspective as a threat to our position, success, or our peace of mind, it engages the lower 20% (the brainstem), and we are moved to defend and protect. This results in people becoming less flexible and more entrenched in their position and their part of the forest. While this reaction is understandable, unfortunately, when all parties are entrenched in this way, solutions are almost impossible to achieve because movement is so restricted.
The challenge therefore, would seem to be to ensure that we, at least, are coming from the clear, confident, and creative part of the brain (the upper 80%) and then be willing to move from our "part of the forest" to explore other worlds and other perspectives. In fact, in my books and seminars, I speak of this movement not simply as "good interpersonal skills" but as the first step to becoming more influential with others. You see in order to influence others, we must start with what is influencing them . . . i.e. what they are upset about and/or what is important to them. This information can only be found in their part of the forest, and thus we must go to them if we truly want to influence the outcome.
Therefore, in addition to clear, confident, and creative (clear about what part of the brain we are coming from, confident in the value of our perspective, and creative with respect to how we engage others [C-cubed]), we might want to add one more "C" when considering whether to venture out, and that is "curiosity." In other words, when we approach others from the curious part of our brain, we can learn very valuable information about how they see the situation at hand. We will then be in a much better position to either combine some of their perspective with ours to create more common ground, or at least have a better understanding of why they seem so determined to defend their territory. Either way, this new information will allow us to map our own strategy with increased clarity, confidence, and creativity, and thus maximize the potential that we will accomplish our goals.
Bottom line, if becoming more influential in your lives and the lives of others is your aim, then you must be willing to venture out and explore other's landscapes, even (and maybe especially), if they differ from your own. Then, once you have included their part of the forest in your map, you will have expanded your perspective and created a "bigger forest" in which you are more likely to find (or create) common ground. Isn't this what professor Pooh is suggesting? Isn't this what we would teach or recommend to our children and those we love? Isn't it time to practice what we teach?
Of course, when this happens with children, we understand, because we can see how their fear can paralyze and polarize them in a way that only makes the situation worse. In other words, when we can see the child as frightened versus frightening, we can venture into their part of the forest with relative ease and little to no worry. In situations such as these, we can approach the child with no fear of being seen as weak or as "giving in," and thus, are often successful in resolving the conflict. Unfortunately, this ability to move toward others as a way of solving problems seems to diminish when the parties involved are adults.
Those of you who have heard me speak know that I explain all of this in terms of how our brain processes information. That is, when our brain interprets another's behavior or perspective as a threat to our position, success, or our peace of mind, it engages the lower 20% (the brainstem), and we are moved to defend and protect. This results in people becoming less flexible and more entrenched in their position and their part of the forest. While this reaction is understandable, unfortunately, when all parties are entrenched in this way, solutions are almost impossible to achieve because movement is so restricted.
The challenge therefore, would seem to be to ensure that we, at least, are coming from the clear, confident, and creative part of the brain (the upper 80%) and then be willing to move from our "part of the forest" to explore other worlds and other perspectives. In fact, in my books and seminars, I speak of this movement not simply as "good interpersonal skills" but as the first step to becoming more influential with others. You see in order to influence others, we must start with what is influencing them . . . i.e. what they are upset about and/or what is important to them. This information can only be found in their part of the forest, and thus we must go to them if we truly want to influence the outcome.
Therefore, in addition to clear, confident, and creative (clear about what part of the brain we are coming from, confident in the value of our perspective, and creative with respect to how we engage others [C-cubed]), we might want to add one more "C" when considering whether to venture out, and that is "curiosity." In other words, when we approach others from the curious part of our brain, we can learn very valuable information about how they see the situation at hand. We will then be in a much better position to either combine some of their perspective with ours to create more common ground, or at least have a better understanding of why they seem so determined to defend their territory. Either way, this new information will allow us to map our own strategy with increased clarity, confidence, and creativity, and thus maximize the potential that we will accomplish our goals.
Bottom line, if becoming more influential in your lives and the lives of others is your aim, then you must be willing to venture out and explore other's landscapes, even (and maybe especially), if they differ from your own. Then, once you have included their part of the forest in your map, you will have expanded your perspective and created a "bigger forest" in which you are more likely to find (or create) common ground. Isn't this what professor Pooh is suggesting? Isn't this what we would teach or recommend to our children and those we love? Isn't it time to practice what we teach?
Take care and God bless, Dr. Bill