Quotes and Wisdom
from the Top of the Mind™
from the Top of the Mind™
Fear of Communication
"What we are afraid to communicate runs our life."
For me, this quote has value in the way it highlights a barrier that many of us have erected to creating the life we want. It speaks to the problem of not speaking to or not communicating about some desire, concern, or issue that we might have with some situation or person, or group. For example, most of us have experienced the discomfort and/or frustration of wanting to talk to someone about something, but fearing that this conversation might make the situation worse. We might be afraid that they will hear what we are saying as criticism, or that it will be misunderstood in some other way and create more problems than it solves. So, based upon these fears and/or concerns, we avoid talking about it.
While very understandable, the problem with this strategy is at least threefold. First, the decision to "avoid talking about the problem" requires that we think about it (generally, a lot)! This means that we will be using our powers of focus and discernment to ruminate about both the problem itself, and the problem of talking about the problem. This obviously creates a lot of worry or "problem-focused" thought that can have many negative effects in our lives, (not the least of which is the triggering of fight-or-flight chemicals that can do damage to our body and immune system).
Second, we spend a lot of energy "not talking about something," which creates many awkward moments between us and the person from which we are holding something back. They generally sense this on some level, and often start wondering and/or worrying about "what's wrong." Given that we haven't told them what the real issue is (because of our fears and concerns), they are left to explain the "discomfort" by making something up, or worse, believe that these "bad vibes" are now just a part of the relationship and stop caring.
The third problem with avoiding communicating about the problem is that issues which need to be resolved are never discussed. Of course, there are certainly some aspects of relationships that will resolve themselves on their own. However, most issues between individuals and or groups of people are representative of real problems that need to be discussed, if for no other reason than to clear up some misunderstanding. In other words, as Robert Anthony so eloquently puts it, "what we are afraid to communicate runs our life," meaning that when we use fear or worry to guide our decisions around what we say or don't say to those in our lives, this fear becomes the dominant energy in our life, and the results are rarely satisfying.
I suggest that we choose an alternative energy (other than fear or worry) in which to put our faith. What if, instead, we used "truth"? (What a concept, right?) We could say something like: "You know, there has been something that I have been wanting to talk to you about, but I have been afraid that I wouldn't say it right, or that you might hear it as criticism. I have decided, however, that (a) you deserve to hear the truth and (b) that I want our relationship to be based upon truth, and so I'm just going to tell you what I've been thinking and we can discuss it from there." This way, what we will be creating will be communication and a relationship based upon openness and honesty versus fear, worry, and avoidance. Best-case scenario, our relationships will improve because they will now be based upon an energy that is more conducive to their success, i.e., truth. Worst-case scenario, the relationship will not be able to handle the truth and will end. While this might be sad , it may not be as sad as living a life full of worry and fear.
Bottom line, I suggest that we choose the energy we want to "run our life" (or drive our thoughts, emotions, and behaviors) on purpose, and then trust that as we follow this path, the destination will be congruent with the energy of the journey. Here's to a journey of open communication and a willingness for this openness to take us where it will.
While very understandable, the problem with this strategy is at least threefold. First, the decision to "avoid talking about the problem" requires that we think about it (generally, a lot)! This means that we will be using our powers of focus and discernment to ruminate about both the problem itself, and the problem of talking about the problem. This obviously creates a lot of worry or "problem-focused" thought that can have many negative effects in our lives, (not the least of which is the triggering of fight-or-flight chemicals that can do damage to our body and immune system).
Second, we spend a lot of energy "not talking about something," which creates many awkward moments between us and the person from which we are holding something back. They generally sense this on some level, and often start wondering and/or worrying about "what's wrong." Given that we haven't told them what the real issue is (because of our fears and concerns), they are left to explain the "discomfort" by making something up, or worse, believe that these "bad vibes" are now just a part of the relationship and stop caring.
The third problem with avoiding communicating about the problem is that issues which need to be resolved are never discussed. Of course, there are certainly some aspects of relationships that will resolve themselves on their own. However, most issues between individuals and or groups of people are representative of real problems that need to be discussed, if for no other reason than to clear up some misunderstanding. In other words, as Robert Anthony so eloquently puts it, "what we are afraid to communicate runs our life," meaning that when we use fear or worry to guide our decisions around what we say or don't say to those in our lives, this fear becomes the dominant energy in our life, and the results are rarely satisfying.
I suggest that we choose an alternative energy (other than fear or worry) in which to put our faith. What if, instead, we used "truth"? (What a concept, right?) We could say something like: "You know, there has been something that I have been wanting to talk to you about, but I have been afraid that I wouldn't say it right, or that you might hear it as criticism. I have decided, however, that (a) you deserve to hear the truth and (b) that I want our relationship to be based upon truth, and so I'm just going to tell you what I've been thinking and we can discuss it from there." This way, what we will be creating will be communication and a relationship based upon openness and honesty versus fear, worry, and avoidance. Best-case scenario, our relationships will improve because they will now be based upon an energy that is more conducive to their success, i.e., truth. Worst-case scenario, the relationship will not be able to handle the truth and will end. While this might be sad , it may not be as sad as living a life full of worry and fear.
Bottom line, I suggest that we choose the energy we want to "run our life" (or drive our thoughts, emotions, and behaviors) on purpose, and then trust that as we follow this path, the destination will be congruent with the energy of the journey. Here's to a journey of open communication and a willingness for this openness to take us where it will.
Take care and God bless, Dr. Bill