Quotes and Wisdom
from the Top of the Mind™
from the Top of the Mind™
Fear #6
"Fear of feeling bad rarely makes one feel good."
As a psychologist, organizational consultant, and life coach, I am often asked to support individuals and organizations in the process of change. When people come to me for coaching or counseling, or when organizations hire me to present a keynote or training on a particular subject, they are most often wanting me to help them change some aspect of their life or lives that is problematic. While this is understandable (and even laudable, especially if the alternative is to hide one's head in the sand and do nothing) there is also an inherent problem with this request that must eventually be addressed if one is to be successful in creating the life and/or organization that one desires.
You see, I believe that changing because of the pain of the problem or because the situation has become so bad that we can no longer stand it, is not the most effective way to create success. Why? Well, for several reasons. First, in order to arrive at the point where a change is made, things must become very bad. I remember a quote that speaks to this perspective that says:
"In spite of warnings, nothing much happens until the status quo becomes more painful than change." - Lawrence J. Pete
Or, as another quote that I have adapted from the author, Printer Bowler, says:
"Some people will never change until the misery of the known becomes greater than the mystery of the unknown."
Again, while changing because things are painful is better than not changing at all, if we continue to embrace this as a life strategy, we will be required to experience a great deal of pain in order to motivate us to change. Further, when we have consciously or unconsciously adopted the "change when we have to" perspective, notice that fear is the energy that we are embracing as a guide in our lives. For example, isn't it true that when we change only when the situation becomes too painful not to, that what we are really saying is: "If I don't change, bad things will happen" and isn't this really change motivated by fear? Therefore, isn't it also true that if we hold to this philosophy, we must continue to look to what we are afraid of, and wait until that fear of the problem becomes more powerful than the fear of change before we act? In other words, do we really think that the fear of feeling bad will make us feel good?
I'm going to suggest that if our goal is to create the life we want, then the most effective way to bring this vision to life is to find it, hold it, and use it as a guide for when and how we change. Now, there is good news and bad news about this method. The good news is that making changes based upon this solution-focused versus problem-focused perspective allows us to change sooner because it doesn't require that we feel really bad before we alter our course. In other words, because we have created a vision of who we really are and what we really want from life, we can use this as a criteria for our choices, continually asking ourselves which choice is most congruent with our vision of what we want. Thus, we will be consistently turning toward our vision versus just away from the problem.
Further, because the visions that we are holding on to are essentially positive in nature (and because any image we hold in our mind produces a chemical response in our bodies), we will be producing emotions (feelings) and experiences that both feel good and are congruent with the life we want. This in turn goes a long way toward helping us create this experience of life, because the clearer we are about what we want, the clearer we will be about the steps necessary to bring this vision to life.
The bad news is that for most of us, this is an unfamiliar perspective. Few people grew up with role models who helped them form solution-focused visions of life as a method of change. In fact, most of us were taught to "change or else!" We were told that if we didn't do our homework, stay out of the street, make good grades, do what we were told, etc., that bad things would happen, and thus we were taught to use fear of the problem as an energy for change. Now, just to be clear, this isn't about blaming our parents or guardians. Chances are they were probably doing their best and passing on the teachings of their parents on how to "keep kids out of trouble."
If, however, you have decided that just "staying out of trouble" or avoiding the problem isn't congruent with the life you want, then I'm going to suggest that you adopt a more solution-focused perspective on change. Put another way, if you have determined that "the fear of feeling bad rarely makes one feel good," then what seems to be called for is changing how we change! Who knows, as we become more and more skilled at this new method of changing, maybe we will find that fewer and fewer changes are needed. Nice vision, don't you think :-)
You see, I believe that changing because of the pain of the problem or because the situation has become so bad that we can no longer stand it, is not the most effective way to create success. Why? Well, for several reasons. First, in order to arrive at the point where a change is made, things must become very bad. I remember a quote that speaks to this perspective that says:
"In spite of warnings, nothing much happens until the status quo becomes more painful than change." - Lawrence J. Pete
Or, as another quote that I have adapted from the author, Printer Bowler, says:
"Some people will never change until the misery of the known becomes greater than the mystery of the unknown."
Again, while changing because things are painful is better than not changing at all, if we continue to embrace this as a life strategy, we will be required to experience a great deal of pain in order to motivate us to change. Further, when we have consciously or unconsciously adopted the "change when we have to" perspective, notice that fear is the energy that we are embracing as a guide in our lives. For example, isn't it true that when we change only when the situation becomes too painful not to, that what we are really saying is: "If I don't change, bad things will happen" and isn't this really change motivated by fear? Therefore, isn't it also true that if we hold to this philosophy, we must continue to look to what we are afraid of, and wait until that fear of the problem becomes more powerful than the fear of change before we act? In other words, do we really think that the fear of feeling bad will make us feel good?
I'm going to suggest that if our goal is to create the life we want, then the most effective way to bring this vision to life is to find it, hold it, and use it as a guide for when and how we change. Now, there is good news and bad news about this method. The good news is that making changes based upon this solution-focused versus problem-focused perspective allows us to change sooner because it doesn't require that we feel really bad before we alter our course. In other words, because we have created a vision of who we really are and what we really want from life, we can use this as a criteria for our choices, continually asking ourselves which choice is most congruent with our vision of what we want. Thus, we will be consistently turning toward our vision versus just away from the problem.
Further, because the visions that we are holding on to are essentially positive in nature (and because any image we hold in our mind produces a chemical response in our bodies), we will be producing emotions (feelings) and experiences that both feel good and are congruent with the life we want. This in turn goes a long way toward helping us create this experience of life, because the clearer we are about what we want, the clearer we will be about the steps necessary to bring this vision to life.
The bad news is that for most of us, this is an unfamiliar perspective. Few people grew up with role models who helped them form solution-focused visions of life as a method of change. In fact, most of us were taught to "change or else!" We were told that if we didn't do our homework, stay out of the street, make good grades, do what we were told, etc., that bad things would happen, and thus we were taught to use fear of the problem as an energy for change. Now, just to be clear, this isn't about blaming our parents or guardians. Chances are they were probably doing their best and passing on the teachings of their parents on how to "keep kids out of trouble."
If, however, you have decided that just "staying out of trouble" or avoiding the problem isn't congruent with the life you want, then I'm going to suggest that you adopt a more solution-focused perspective on change. Put another way, if you have determined that "the fear of feeling bad rarely makes one feel good," then what seems to be called for is changing how we change! Who knows, as we become more and more skilled at this new method of changing, maybe we will find that fewer and fewer changes are needed. Nice vision, don't you think :-)
Take care and God bless, Dr. Bill