Quotes and Wisdom
from the Top of the Mind™
from the Top of the Mind™
Forgiveness
"Forgiveness is the realization that you are no longer harmed."
Although I don't know who said this, I have found it to be one of the most profound quotes on the subject of forgiveness that I have ever heard. For many of us, forgiveness is a difficult subject because as we imagine the person we are supposed to "forgive", what we actually find ourselves thinking about is how they hurt us, and how this pain is still very much alive today. We may also be afraid that if we "forgive" someone it means that they will have "gotten away" with hurting us, or that it was no big deal in the first place. Further, we may even be afraid that they (or someone like them) will hurt us again, and so we hold on to the memory of the painful experience to protect ourselves. While this reluctance to forgive is understandable, if we continually try to protect ourselves in this manner, we must also continually relive the pain of the original experience. In other words, we must continue to see ourselves as "harmed" by what they did or didn't do.
In my workshops, I generally illustrate this point by having the group imagine that I've been in a relationship with one of the members of the audience, and they hurt me! At this point I will walk up to one of the participants and ask them to stand. As they do, I will pick up their chair as a representation of the pain that they "caused me" and drape it over my shoulder. Because, hey! I want them to know how much they hurt me. I don't want them to think that it was "no big deal," and I certainly don't want them to think that they got away with it, or that they could do this to me again. I've got to protect myself somehow. So I'm going to carry this pain around (their chair) as a symbol of what they did to me, and as a way of keeping it from happening again.
Now I am looking for somebody very different from that last person to have a relationship with so that I won't be hurt like I was before. At this point (still carrying the chair), I will walk up to another person, and speak of how nice they are, and how I'm convinced that they won't hurt me. But guess what? They do! Here I ask them to stand and again take their chair as a representation of the pain that they caused, and as a reminder to not let this happen to me again. I continue this with two or three more people until I have chairs (my "protective" pain), draped all over me. I then turn to the audience and ask, "Who wants to be in a relationship with me now?" The point I'm wanting to make is that nobody can even get close to me because of all the pain I am carrying around. Further, rather than protecting me, what the pain is really doing is sapping my energy (it takes a lot of energy to continue to carry all this pain in my life), as well as, keeping me separate from others who might be nurturing and helpful.
If our goal is to create a purposeful life, at some point we must ask ourselves whether this tendency to hold on to the pain of the past as a way of protecting ourselves is really serving us. . . is it really working for us to continue to see ourselves as "harmed" in order to stay safe . . . . is it congruent with our purpose? The truth is that forgiveness, or our "forgiving" another has little to do with them. What it is really about is making a purposeful choice about whether we are going to use the memory of pain (and a vision of ourselves as harmed by that pain) as a way to stay safe. If this seems incongruent with your vision of the life you would like to create, you might consider letting go of that pain and creating a vision of yourself as no longer harmed. You will then be free to receive love from others (for love is for getting/forgetting) and you will be free to share your love with others (for love is for giving/forgiving.)
In my workshops, I generally illustrate this point by having the group imagine that I've been in a relationship with one of the members of the audience, and they hurt me! At this point I will walk up to one of the participants and ask them to stand. As they do, I will pick up their chair as a representation of the pain that they "caused me" and drape it over my shoulder. Because, hey! I want them to know how much they hurt me. I don't want them to think that it was "no big deal," and I certainly don't want them to think that they got away with it, or that they could do this to me again. I've got to protect myself somehow. So I'm going to carry this pain around (their chair) as a symbol of what they did to me, and as a way of keeping it from happening again.
Now I am looking for somebody very different from that last person to have a relationship with so that I won't be hurt like I was before. At this point (still carrying the chair), I will walk up to another person, and speak of how nice they are, and how I'm convinced that they won't hurt me. But guess what? They do! Here I ask them to stand and again take their chair as a representation of the pain that they caused, and as a reminder to not let this happen to me again. I continue this with two or three more people until I have chairs (my "protective" pain), draped all over me. I then turn to the audience and ask, "Who wants to be in a relationship with me now?" The point I'm wanting to make is that nobody can even get close to me because of all the pain I am carrying around. Further, rather than protecting me, what the pain is really doing is sapping my energy (it takes a lot of energy to continue to carry all this pain in my life), as well as, keeping me separate from others who might be nurturing and helpful.
If our goal is to create a purposeful life, at some point we must ask ourselves whether this tendency to hold on to the pain of the past as a way of protecting ourselves is really serving us. . . is it really working for us to continue to see ourselves as "harmed" in order to stay safe . . . . is it congruent with our purpose? The truth is that forgiveness, or our "forgiving" another has little to do with them. What it is really about is making a purposeful choice about whether we are going to use the memory of pain (and a vision of ourselves as harmed by that pain) as a way to stay safe. If this seems incongruent with your vision of the life you would like to create, you might consider letting go of that pain and creating a vision of yourself as no longer harmed. You will then be free to receive love from others (for love is for getting/forgetting) and you will be free to share your love with others (for love is for giving/forgiving.)
Take care and God bless, Dr. Bill