Quotes and Wisdom
from the Top of the Mind™
from the Top of the Mind™
Forgiveness #2
"When we open up a quarrel
Between the present and the past
We only sacrifice the future
It's the bitterness that lasts.
So, don't yield to the fortunes
You sometimes see as fate
You may have a new perspective
On a different day
And if you don't give up,
and don't give in
You may just be okay"
Between the present and the past
We only sacrifice the future
It's the bitterness that lasts.
So, don't yield to the fortunes
You sometimes see as fate
You may have a new perspective
On a different day
And if you don't give up,
and don't give in
You may just be okay"
Recently I have had the pleasure to work with several individuals on redefining their relationships with their parents, and as we got into this work, I remembered this song by Mike and the Mechanics from a few years back. The song titled "The Living Years" won "song of the year" when it came out, and I distinctly remember the performance where not only did Mike Rutherford do a wonderful job of bringing the message to life, the impact was enhanced by the 100+ voice children's choir that joined him on the chorus:
"Say it loud, say it clear.
You can listen as well as you hear.
It's too late when we die,
to admit we don't see eye to eye."
Obviously the song is about not letting disagreements with those we love (in this case, our parents) keep us from speaking to and listening from a place of love. One particularly poignant verse describes how we can, if we are not careful (full of care), allow these disagreements to define ourselves and our relationship with our family. In the song, the disagreement is between a father and his son. It goes:
"Crumpled bits of paper
Filled with imperfect thought
stilted conversations
I'm afraid that's all we've got."
"You say you just don't see it
He says it's perfect sense.
You just can't get agreement
In this present tense.
We all talk a different language
Talking in defense."
As I have said, I have resonated with this song from the first time that I heard it, partly because I see so often how conflict between members of a family can have such a devastating effect on the lives of all concerned. And, I have also seen where many people have reached the conclusion that they will never "see eye to eye" with their family and, therefore, have given up trying. Further, it seems as if people who take this tact seem to believe that giving up (stop trying to communicate) or giving in (just going along to get along) are their only two choices. Unfortunately, sometimes this experience of "giving up and/or giving" takes on an air of being defeated versus acceptance and, thus, has a tendency to breed resentment and bitterness. "It's the bitterness that lasts." This then colors the relationship until someone dies and then, in many ways, it's too late to allow the energy of love to redefine the relationship. Sadly, I must admit that this was somewhat the case with my father and myself. While we never had a quarrelsome relationship, I never remember my father telling me he loved me until he was about to die. Unfortunately, I was not mature enough to hear and appreciate this attempt to speak to our love for each other, and he died approximately six months later. Hence, for me, one verse of the song is the especially meaningful:
"I wasn't there that morning
When my father passed away.
I didn't get to tell him
All the things I had to say.
But I think I caught his spirit
Later that same year.
I'm sure I heard his echo
in my baby's newborn tears.
I just wish I could have told him
In the living years."
And the children sing:
"Say it loud, say it clear. You can listen as well as your hear.
It's to late when we die, to admit we don't see eye to eye."
So the question would seem to be: how can we create a relationship with those we love in the living years around clarity and affection versus giving up, giving in, and/or being defeated? Or phrased another way, is it possible to create a purposeful relationship with those we love where we can define who we are without needing "them" to understand and/or agree ("see eye to eye")? Or put in it's most basic form, can love keep us safe?
I believe it can and here's how. If we are willing to become clear about our highest purpose in relation to those we love (meaning the qualities, characteristics, and/or behaviors we want to bring to these relationships), we can then use these loving qualities and behaviors as a criteria for how and when we relate. For example, if we decide that we want to create a relationship with members of our family around the concepts of love, respect, joy, and compassion, we could choose these as our highest purpose and practice coming from these perspectives when we interacted with them.
To the degree we were able to do this (notice I said "practice," not be perfect), we could stay connected with them without needing them to change, agree, or even understand what we were doing. When we notice that we are not able to come from these perspectives (possibly because this ability to be loving, compassionate, respectful, etc. is challenging when someone is criticizing us {especially a parent}) we could excuse ourselves and go somewhere for a minute, an hour, a day, or however long it took to re-center and re-connect to the vision of who we want to be in relation to our family. We could even let our loved ones in on the secret if we want. We could say that because our relationship with them is so important we are going to take 100% responsibility for our ability to respond (or the quality of our responses) when we are together. And, if we find that we are not able to come from these purposeful qualities/behaviors, we will take responsibility for excusing ourselves and reconnecting with them when we can define our relationship with them in this more purposeful way. This will keep us from: "Opening up quarrels between the present and the past" and creating "stilted conversations" where the only common language is "defense". We can even invite them to do the same if they like. Or, put another way:
"If we don't yield to the fortunes
we sometimes see as fate
we may have a new perspective
On a different day
And it we don't give up,
and don't give in
we may just be okay."
"Say it loud, say it clear.
You can listen as well as you hear.
It's too late when we die,
to admit we don't see eye to eye."
Obviously the song is about not letting disagreements with those we love (in this case, our parents) keep us from speaking to and listening from a place of love. One particularly poignant verse describes how we can, if we are not careful (full of care), allow these disagreements to define ourselves and our relationship with our family. In the song, the disagreement is between a father and his son. It goes:
"Crumpled bits of paper
Filled with imperfect thought
stilted conversations
I'm afraid that's all we've got."
"You say you just don't see it
He says it's perfect sense.
You just can't get agreement
In this present tense.
We all talk a different language
Talking in defense."
As I have said, I have resonated with this song from the first time that I heard it, partly because I see so often how conflict between members of a family can have such a devastating effect on the lives of all concerned. And, I have also seen where many people have reached the conclusion that they will never "see eye to eye" with their family and, therefore, have given up trying. Further, it seems as if people who take this tact seem to believe that giving up (stop trying to communicate) or giving in (just going along to get along) are their only two choices. Unfortunately, sometimes this experience of "giving up and/or giving" takes on an air of being defeated versus acceptance and, thus, has a tendency to breed resentment and bitterness. "It's the bitterness that lasts." This then colors the relationship until someone dies and then, in many ways, it's too late to allow the energy of love to redefine the relationship. Sadly, I must admit that this was somewhat the case with my father and myself. While we never had a quarrelsome relationship, I never remember my father telling me he loved me until he was about to die. Unfortunately, I was not mature enough to hear and appreciate this attempt to speak to our love for each other, and he died approximately six months later. Hence, for me, one verse of the song is the especially meaningful:
"I wasn't there that morning
When my father passed away.
I didn't get to tell him
All the things I had to say.
But I think I caught his spirit
Later that same year.
I'm sure I heard his echo
in my baby's newborn tears.
I just wish I could have told him
In the living years."
And the children sing:
"Say it loud, say it clear. You can listen as well as your hear.
It's to late when we die, to admit we don't see eye to eye."
So the question would seem to be: how can we create a relationship with those we love in the living years around clarity and affection versus giving up, giving in, and/or being defeated? Or phrased another way, is it possible to create a purposeful relationship with those we love where we can define who we are without needing "them" to understand and/or agree ("see eye to eye")? Or put in it's most basic form, can love keep us safe?
I believe it can and here's how. If we are willing to become clear about our highest purpose in relation to those we love (meaning the qualities, characteristics, and/or behaviors we want to bring to these relationships), we can then use these loving qualities and behaviors as a criteria for how and when we relate. For example, if we decide that we want to create a relationship with members of our family around the concepts of love, respect, joy, and compassion, we could choose these as our highest purpose and practice coming from these perspectives when we interacted with them.
To the degree we were able to do this (notice I said "practice," not be perfect), we could stay connected with them without needing them to change, agree, or even understand what we were doing. When we notice that we are not able to come from these perspectives (possibly because this ability to be loving, compassionate, respectful, etc. is challenging when someone is criticizing us {especially a parent}) we could excuse ourselves and go somewhere for a minute, an hour, a day, or however long it took to re-center and re-connect to the vision of who we want to be in relation to our family. We could even let our loved ones in on the secret if we want. We could say that because our relationship with them is so important we are going to take 100% responsibility for our ability to respond (or the quality of our responses) when we are together. And, if we find that we are not able to come from these purposeful qualities/behaviors, we will take responsibility for excusing ourselves and reconnecting with them when we can define our relationship with them in this more purposeful way. This will keep us from: "Opening up quarrels between the present and the past" and creating "stilted conversations" where the only common language is "defense". We can even invite them to do the same if they like. Or, put another way:
"If we don't yield to the fortunes
we sometimes see as fate
we may have a new perspective
On a different day
And it we don't give up,
and don't give in
we may just be okay."
Take care and God bless, Dr. Bill