Quotes and Wisdom
from the Top of the Mind™
from the Top of the Mind™
Anger #3
"Anger is never without a reason, but it is rarely reasonable."
As with other quotes in this series, the term "adapted from" means that I have changed some of the words of the original quote. In this case, initially, Benjamin Franklin was quoted as saying: "Anger is never without a reason, but seldom a good one." While I like the essence of this original thought, it is my experience that when anyone is angry, they almost always believe that they have a good reason, and thus might reject Dr. Franklin's wisdom. In other words, people can always point to some cause (what someone said, or didn't say . . . did or didn't do, etc.) and because they have identified what they believe to be the "cause," they feel that they have a good reason to be angry. Unfortunately, this doesn't help us solve the problem of using anger as an energy to deal with life. Thus, I have changed the quote from a statement about whether the reason we are angry is "good" (or valid) to whether it is reasonable.
Now, just to be clear, I'm not saying that anger as a response to a particular person or situation is never reasonable. When we, or someone we love is in danger, anger throws us into a protective mode, and allows us to meet force with force. For those of you familiar with my "Top of the Mind" philosophy, you know that this means the lower 20% of our brain is engaged, and chemicals such as adrenaline and cortisol increase our blood pressure and muscle tension, and generally prepare us to protect ourselves or our loved ones by either fighting, or escaping from the danger.
No, I didn't say, "never reasonable," I said "rarely reasonable," because the truth is, when we are angry we are rarely in a true fight or flight situation, or rarely in any physical danger. Plus, drawing upon my "Top of the Mind" philosophy, and the latest research in how the brain works, we know that the phrase, "rarely reasonable" can also mean that our anger rarely comes from the part of the brain that reasons, and this can be immensely helpful to those of us wanting to create a more purposeful and successful experience of life.
However, before we just glibly suggest that one should rarely get angry, I feel it would behoove us to examine why this emotion is so common. In other words, if anger is such an unproductive response, why do so many people feel, and defend this emotion with such regularity? I believe the answer lies in the fact that, many people feel that the only time that they can stand up for themselves, and/or what they believe, is when they become angry enough to do so. This extreme position is probably best represented in the 1976 movie, "Network," when a TV producer was fed up with being told what to do and he exploded with the now famous phrase, "I'm mad as hell, and I'm not going to take it any more!!!!!!"
Of course, what this phrase also describes is what he has "taken," or put up with to this point, and his belief that until he got angry enough to push back, he would continue to be victimized by the powers that be. This, in my humble opinion, is why anger is so common in our society today. Because so many of us fear that we are at the mercy of those around us, and thus, powerless to make changes in our lives . . . or because we are afraid of making someone feel bad or hurting their feelings, we believe we have to "put up with" or accept how we are treated by others.
That is, until the pain of this "mistreatment" becomes so great that we finally become angry enough to say, "I'm mad as hell, and I'm not going to take it
any more!" which means that we are finally angry enough to do something about the problem. . . which would be fine if it actually solved the problem. However, often what is created is a shocked or defensive reaction from those with whom we are angry. In other words, they almost always either begin to defend the very behavior we want them to change, or just write us off as "overly emotional," meaning that they are paying no attention to what we are wanting them to hear.
In fact, even if the intensity of our emotion does create a change in their behavior, this change is rarely permanent because their motivation for change (our anger) is not something we can sustain. And thus, soon we go back to being afraid of making someone upset until the problem once again becomes bad enough to trigger our anger, and the cycle of fear (flight) and anger (fight) is created and exacerbated.
So what's the solution... never get angry? No! Anger is not the problem, it's what we do with this emotion that either inspires anger in others or changes what needs to be changed. In other words, rather than continuing to cycle between the fear of addressing the problem to becoming so angry that we blurt our feelings out in a less than effective manner, I suggest we use anger the way I suggest we use almost all negative emotions (stress, frustration, resentment, etc.) . . . as a signal that something needs to change.
Or, putting it in "Top of the Mind" language, rather than bouncing back and forth between the brainstem reactions of flight (fear) or fight (anger), I suggest we use our anger as a signal to shift to the clear, confident, and creative part of the brain (the neocortex) and begin to create a method of addressing the problem that has the potential to create real change, versus a short term reaction.
This more purposeful method of using emotions such as anger has several advantages. First, we will very likely address the problem when it first comes up, and thus, because it has not grown or festered with time, it will be easier to deal with. Secondly, we will be creating both our ultimate solution and the method in which we talk about this solution from the most intelligent, capable part of the brain, which means the potential that this conversation will be constructive versus destructive will be enhanced.
Most of all, however, we will be bringing "reason," or the part of the brain that reasons things out, to the process, versus using the brainstem to give us a valid "reason" to lash out at the person or situation we have determined to be the "cause" of our anger. In other words, we will be responding to the problem in a way that is purposeful (versus reactive), has the potential at being the most effective, makes a statement about who we are, and in a way we would teach or recommend to someone we love. Bottom line, we will be defining "reasonable" not as "I have a good reason to be angry" but as coming from the part of the brain that is able to reason, which then allows us to bring our best to every aspect of life, even our anger.
Now, just to be clear, I'm not saying that anger as a response to a particular person or situation is never reasonable. When we, or someone we love is in danger, anger throws us into a protective mode, and allows us to meet force with force. For those of you familiar with my "Top of the Mind" philosophy, you know that this means the lower 20% of our brain is engaged, and chemicals such as adrenaline and cortisol increase our blood pressure and muscle tension, and generally prepare us to protect ourselves or our loved ones by either fighting, or escaping from the danger.
No, I didn't say, "never reasonable," I said "rarely reasonable," because the truth is, when we are angry we are rarely in a true fight or flight situation, or rarely in any physical danger. Plus, drawing upon my "Top of the Mind" philosophy, and the latest research in how the brain works, we know that the phrase, "rarely reasonable" can also mean that our anger rarely comes from the part of the brain that reasons, and this can be immensely helpful to those of us wanting to create a more purposeful and successful experience of life.
However, before we just glibly suggest that one should rarely get angry, I feel it would behoove us to examine why this emotion is so common. In other words, if anger is such an unproductive response, why do so many people feel, and defend this emotion with such regularity? I believe the answer lies in the fact that, many people feel that the only time that they can stand up for themselves, and/or what they believe, is when they become angry enough to do so. This extreme position is probably best represented in the 1976 movie, "Network," when a TV producer was fed up with being told what to do and he exploded with the now famous phrase, "I'm mad as hell, and I'm not going to take it any more!!!!!!"
Of course, what this phrase also describes is what he has "taken," or put up with to this point, and his belief that until he got angry enough to push back, he would continue to be victimized by the powers that be. This, in my humble opinion, is why anger is so common in our society today. Because so many of us fear that we are at the mercy of those around us, and thus, powerless to make changes in our lives . . . or because we are afraid of making someone feel bad or hurting their feelings, we believe we have to "put up with" or accept how we are treated by others.
That is, until the pain of this "mistreatment" becomes so great that we finally become angry enough to say, "I'm mad as hell, and I'm not going to take it
any more!" which means that we are finally angry enough to do something about the problem. . . which would be fine if it actually solved the problem. However, often what is created is a shocked or defensive reaction from those with whom we are angry. In other words, they almost always either begin to defend the very behavior we want them to change, or just write us off as "overly emotional," meaning that they are paying no attention to what we are wanting them to hear.
In fact, even if the intensity of our emotion does create a change in their behavior, this change is rarely permanent because their motivation for change (our anger) is not something we can sustain. And thus, soon we go back to being afraid of making someone upset until the problem once again becomes bad enough to trigger our anger, and the cycle of fear (flight) and anger (fight) is created and exacerbated.
So what's the solution... never get angry? No! Anger is not the problem, it's what we do with this emotion that either inspires anger in others or changes what needs to be changed. In other words, rather than continuing to cycle between the fear of addressing the problem to becoming so angry that we blurt our feelings out in a less than effective manner, I suggest we use anger the way I suggest we use almost all negative emotions (stress, frustration, resentment, etc.) . . . as a signal that something needs to change.
Or, putting it in "Top of the Mind" language, rather than bouncing back and forth between the brainstem reactions of flight (fear) or fight (anger), I suggest we use our anger as a signal to shift to the clear, confident, and creative part of the brain (the neocortex) and begin to create a method of addressing the problem that has the potential to create real change, versus a short term reaction.
This more purposeful method of using emotions such as anger has several advantages. First, we will very likely address the problem when it first comes up, and thus, because it has not grown or festered with time, it will be easier to deal with. Secondly, we will be creating both our ultimate solution and the method in which we talk about this solution from the most intelligent, capable part of the brain, which means the potential that this conversation will be constructive versus destructive will be enhanced.
Most of all, however, we will be bringing "reason," or the part of the brain that reasons things out, to the process, versus using the brainstem to give us a valid "reason" to lash out at the person or situation we have determined to be the "cause" of our anger. In other words, we will be responding to the problem in a way that is purposeful (versus reactive), has the potential at being the most effective, makes a statement about who we are, and in a way we would teach or recommend to someone we love. Bottom line, we will be defining "reasonable" not as "I have a good reason to be angry" but as coming from the part of the brain that is able to reason, which then allows us to bring our best to every aspect of life, even our anger.
Take care and God bless, Dr. Bill