"Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal while blaming
our misery on the person who started the fire."

– Bill Crawford

I have chosen this bit of prose as this week's selection because of its insight into the advisability of holding on to anger. Of course, there are very few who would say that harboring feelings of anger for any length of time is a good idea. However, I feel certain most people would acknowledge that this tendency to hold on to resentment and frustration or run the images of being "wronged" over and over in our mind is quite common.

Therefore, maybe the first question we should address is "why?" In other words, why do we tend to hold on to our anger when "logically" this doesn't make any sense? Certainly we were not born this way. Could it be that early on, we saw the powerful people in our lives use anger to enforce their will, and learned that anger makes one powerful? Could it be that we saw people take advantage of others until finally they got so angry that they stopped the abuse, and learned that anger can keep us safe? Could it be that we were told that we shouldn't be angry by people who were angry at us, and thus learned that our anger was wrong while theirs was righteous? Could it be that we feel vulnerable or powerless without our anger, or that no one pays attention to us until we get really mad? Regardless, what all of these suggestions have in common is that however we find ourselves dealing with anger is a learned reaction. Therefore, maybe the real question we should be asking isn't, "Why?" but instead, is this learned perspective on anger really serving us? Is it helping us create the life we want, or is it hindering this creative effort?

Of course, anger in and of itself isn't a problem. The chemical reaction we call anger is actually a survival instinct designed to motivate us to action when we are faced with a fight-or-flight situation. It does this by engaging our brainstem in such a way that increases our heart rate, blood pressure, muscle tension, etc., which are all necessary to dealing with a present moment danger. Further, even in relationships with others, anger can be an indicator that we are being used or taken advantage of in some way, and thus can alert us to the need to address the issue. You see, the problem isn't that we feel anger, it's that we then try to use that anger to resolve the problem!

This is why I like drawing the analogy of the similarity between anger and a hot coal, because we all know that if we were to grasp a hot coal, we would not hold on to it for very long. In this case, the pain we felt would be good information! If we did not feel this pain, we would destroy our hand and eventually our lives.

The problem with anger, of course, is that we don't see it as good information, we see it as what someone or something else is doing to us ("He/She/It makes me so angry I could just _________") Given this belief, we must then change "them" or "it" before we can let go of our anger. How's that working for you? Feel your hand getting warm? Tired of getting "burned" when all you really want to do is stop the pain? If so, I suggest we begin to use our anger for what it is, a signal that something needs our attention. If we are indeed in a fight-or-flight situation, then we can use it as a signal to mobilize our skills and attack, defend, or escape as need be. If, however, we are not in a fight-or-flight situation, but instead find ourselves feeling "angry" about what someone did or didn't do, maybe we could use it as a signal to really think about how we want to respond.

This means we bring our best thinking (our interpersonal skills, our problem-solving skills, our creativity, etc.) to the situation and deal with the problem in a very purposeful way, in a way that makes a statement about us...(I am a person who deals with anger by_______) Further, in a way that we would recommend to someone we loved or want to teach to our child... (I would want those I loved to learn to deal with anger by________.)

In this way, rather than grasping a hot coal and blaming the person who started the fire for our misery, we can notice the "heat" of an issue before it becomes a destructive flame, and respond to this signal as if it is indeed good information. Maybe a misunderstanding is causing some problems. Maybe there are some agreements that need to be clarified or discussed. Or maybe we just have different visions of what is appropriate here and if these differences are significant enough, we may choose to go create our personal and professional relationships with those who share our visions (rather than trying to become so angry that someone else changes).

Bottom line, when we hold on to our anger with the intent of using it to solve the problem, we often wind up just fanning our internal flames of resentment and rage, and we are the ones who get burned. If, however, we catch this signal when it is very small, we just might be able to use it to light a lamp of awareness and actually shed some light on the situation, or at the very least, create a fire that is used for warmth and to "cook up" new possibilities versus burning ourselves or others.

Take care and God bless, Dr. Bill