"Often it's not our position, but our disposition that determines our experience of life."

– adapted from J. E. Dinge

I have chosen to adapt this quote from J.E. Dinge as the quote of the week because of what it has to offer those of us who are interested in becoming more influential in how we experience life. In other words, given that most of life is a series of interactions between ourselves and others, maybe we should look at all the factors that influence the quality or success of these interactions so that we can then have more influence on the quality of our lives.

For example, I think it's fair to say that one of the factors that often dominate discussions among family, friends, and colleagues is one's "position" or one's perspective on what should or should not be done about a particular problem. This could be as complex as the righteousness of capital punishment, or as simple as a position on how often to cut the grass or clean the house, but regardless, what often is heard in these discussions is a debate about "who's right." Now, when this is truly a "friendly debate" and/or is part of a debate club or even a courtroom, then there is less of a tendency for feelings to be hurt, relationships to be damaged, and/or productivity to be impacted because everyone knows the purpose of such a discussion. In situations such as these, those involved can often just defend their position to the best of their ability and move on (this is evidenced by the fact that lawyers will often be able to go out and have a drink with their adversary even after a particularly intense courtroom debate).

However, it has been my observation that in other types of relationships, say family, friends, and at times even coworkers, this debating over who has the best, or most righteous "position" can result in hurt feelings and a war of words that ends with each side feeling frustrated, wounded, suspicious, and angry which, of course, does not make for a good environment in which to live, raise children, or in the case of a business, produce a quality product.

So what can be done? Well, I believe that this week's quote, "Often it's not our position, but our disposition that determines our experience of life" can offer an answer to this important question. For example, what if instead of constantly arguing over a particular issue or position, we first made a purposeful decision to examine our "disposition" or our attitude and determine if how we feel about a particular issue, and how we are going about discussing it with others is truly working for us? In other words, is the manner in which we are addressing an issue serving to bring our family or organization closer together and laying a foundation for the resolution of future issues? Is it providing a model that we would like others (our children, grandchildren, coworkers, etc.) to follow? If these discussions were being videotaped, would we be proud of our role in the process? If the answer to all these questions is "yes," then chances are that our "disposition" or "how" we are discussing the "issue du jour" has probably been very purposefully chosen. If, however, the answer to one or more of these questions is "no," then chances are we are focusing more on our position than our disposition and, thus, are probably more a part of the problem than the solution.

Further, this awareness around our position/disposition doesn't have to be limited to our attitude. It can also refer to whether we are entering into a discussion in a "one up, one down" or egalitarian manner. For example, if we are trying to be the one "in charge" and are thus looking to others as people who should bow to our authority, often this can result in their responding to us with resistance and resentment. On the other hand, if we are putting ourselves in a "one down" position and going to the other begging for their approval and permission, this often can undermine the validity of our request, which will eventually trigger resistance and resentment in us. If, however, we adopt an egalitarian position (and disposition), we can approach the discussion with genuine respect and curiosity, knowing that we have some valuable things to say about the situation, and curious about another's perspective because we know that interactions such as these play a critical role in how a family or organization is created and maintained.

As the old adage says, "It's not what we say but how we say it" that will almost always determine how the person to whom we are speaking responds. Therefore, if we want to be influential in our life and the lives of others, I would suggest that before we speak to our position, we always ensure that we have chosen our disposition "on purpose." This means that the way in which we are interacting with others has been chosen deliberately, in a manner that is congruent with the impact we want to have on the discussion, and, most importantly, in a way that if this interaction were being videotaped we would be so pleased of the quality of our participation that we would be proud to show it to our children, grandchildren, friends, or colleagues.

Take care and God bless, Dr. Bill