"You don't have to become something that you aren't
to become better than you are."

– Sidney Poitier

This is another quote from Sidney Poitier's autobiography, "The Measure of a Man," that I have found to be especially profound. The reason that this idea resonated with me is that in my role of counselor or helper, I notice how often people seem to think that in order to find happiness and/or create a more fulfilling life, they must change their basic nature. This concern or belief not only seems overwhelming, but also sets up an internal struggle between the vision of themselves as " good enough," and the vision of themselves as flawed or damaged goods, and in need of repair. Unfortunately, regardless which side of this either/or equation is chosen, the answer is incomplete. If we choose to see ourselves as "good enough," and determine that based upon this evaluation nothing needs to change, then, of course, nothing changes and we continue to react and respond to life the way we have been conditioned. If, on the other hand, we choose the second perspective ("there is something wrong with me and if I don't change, bad things will happen"), then we are using fear as a guide, as well as a motivating energy for change, which will almost certainly produce frightening (fear-based) results.

I am going to suggest a third alternative where as Mr. Poitier says: "You don't have to become something (or someone) that you aren't to become better than you are." Let's begin our understanding of this alternative in the beginning. Anyone who has ever spent any time with a newborn baby knows that this miracle could never be described as "damaged goods." Even if for some reason this little person's body (or "spacesuit" as I like to call it) is less than perfect, there is an essence of "who they are" that shines through with such clarity that the vision of them as "not enough" is unthinkable except by the most frightened among us.

On the other hand, I think almost all of us can relate to the experience of coming to the realization that our life is less than satisfying, and that something (maybe even who we are) needs to change. So which is it? Are we perfect from the beginning, or will we need to change at some point to become all that we can be? The answer, of course, to both questions is "Yes!"

We are perfect when we are born, and if we were all to grow up in environments that celebrated that perfection and nurtured the qualities of joy, wonder, love of learning, and a general fascination with life so prevalent in small children, we would very likely grow up to be joyful, loving, creative, and confident adults doing what we loved, and being who we are. I say "very likely" because this, as you know, this perfect upbringing, is "very rare."

Now, don't get me wrong, I am not blaming parents for the fact that children are unwittingly taught to question the value of their nature. In fact, I wonder if, to some degree, this is as it should be? In other words, I wonder if being born perfect and then learning to question our innate wisdom in terms of who we are actually sets us up to choose this "validation of self" as adults? Maybe our challenge as we mature isn't to become "someone that we aren't" in order to be happy, but to actually rediscover that unique combination of interests, loves, talents, and potential that was present when we were very young, and cultivate this essence to become who we really are. Therefore, as we continue to improve on these natural talents, and unique abilities, we actually become "better than we are," or more skilled, successful, and accomplished at defining ourselves in terms of our authentic nature.

If this perspective appeals to you, I would encourage you to give some thought to "who you would be" right now if "who you are" had been celebrated as you matured (rather than who have you learned to be to survive.) Once you have created this vision, you will then have a sense of how to become "better than you are" by becoming more of who you have always been. In fact, I wonder if "The Measure of A Man" couldn't also be a good measure of "Man" (meaning women, men, humanity, in general) in that as we strive to become who we authentically are, and better and better at that authenticity, we become more a gift to ourselves and those with whom we interact. Not a bad mission on the planet, don't you think?

Take care and God bless, Dr. Bill