Quotes and Wisdom
from the Top of the Mind™

Blame

 
"The only time a mistake becomes a failure is when we look for someone to blame."
– Bill Crawford

This quote was inspired by a similar thought from John Burroughs who said "A man can fail many times, but he isn't a failure until he begins to blame somebody else." While there are certainly aspects of Mr. Burrough's quote that I like, (the most important being the concept that blame is the factor that creates true failure), I have chosen to reword it for several reasons. First, even though I am aware that the term "man" is frequently used as a euphemism for people in general, I'm not a big fan of defining all humans using the masculine gender.

Secondly, I don't like describing choices that don't produce the results we were wanting as failures. Instead, I prefer to use the term "mistakes." In fact, in my books and seminars, I often make a point of discussing this concept by taking the word "mistake" and dividing it into "mis" and "take," or the ability to look at our less-than-successful choices as actions that we took (or "takes") that missed. In the movies when they make a mis-take, they just retake the scene. In fact, one of the essentials in creating a successful movie is to be able to retake the scene over and over until they get the results that they want. Thus, one bit of wisdom we can take from this week's quote is to look at our mis-takes as good information about what doesn't work (versus evidence of our incompetence or failure as a person), and choose again from this more knowledgeable perspective. The question I like to recommend after having made a mistake is: "Okay, knowing what I know now, how can I do this differently in the future?

As important as it is to see our mistakes as good information, I believe that the last aspect of this week's quote on blame can offer us as much, if not more support in creating the life we want. This is the part that looks at the problems that arise when we look for someone to blame when things don't work out the way we had hoped . . . even, and maybe especially, when that someone is ourself. In fact, this is yet another distinction between Mr. Burrough's quote and my own. He says that a failure doesn't truly occur until we look for "someone else" to blame, which implies that blaming ourselves is not a problem. I think I know what he is going for here, and I certainly concur that blaming others for our troubles is one of the most disempowering things we can do. However, I also believe that blaming ourselves can be equally problematic.

Wikipedia defines blame as: "the act of informing an individual or group that their action or actions are socially or morally irresponsible." This means that when we blame ourselves for some problem in the past we are basically saying that we are socially or morally irresponsible. Can you see how this might just add to our sense of failure versus help us learn from the mistake? Further, the same is true when we look for others to blame, meaning that, just because we are able to point our finger at someone else and call them "socially or morally irresponsible,"(or in more common language, "this is your fault, not mine!") this doesn't help us learn and grow. In fact, blaming others actually speaks to their power to influence our lives, and leaves us feeling resentful and powerless with righteous indignation as our only escape.

Of course, some will say: "Wait a minute, if we don't determine who's to blame for a problem, then no one will take responsibility, and it's likely to happen again!" While I can understand this concern, I believe that the solution to this dilemma is to look at the distinction between the concepts of "blame" and "responsibility." To me, they are very different, and yet, I'm not sure that this difference is widely understood. In fact, I'm concerned that many people see them as the same thing which accounts for the all -to- common response to a problem of, "Hey, I'm not responsible!" which really means, "Don't blame me!"

In my humble opinion, blame is about the past and the problem, while responsibility is about our "ability to respond, now, and in the future." For example, if I want to be able to learn from, or in some way correct some mis-take I made in the past, this means I want to be able to respond differently now and in the future, based upon what I learned. Notice that claiming this "ability to respond" or responsibility has nothing to do with blaming others or beating myself up for some choice that didn't produce the results I wanted. This is me claiming my own power to influence my experience of life versus defining me as someone who must get others to "take responsibility" before I can be successful.

Bottom line: if you want to ensure that you are the most powerful person in your life, then you must be willing to take responsibility for both your successes and your "mis-takes." Notice that I didn't say successes and "failures," because as this week's quote suggests, I believe that: "The only time a mistake becomes a failure, is when we look for someone to blame."

Take care and God bless, Dr. Bill