"Our children...don't make them grow up in our shadow...
let them grow up in our light."

– adapted from Guy Angelou

Recently I was watching a segment of "Oprah" where she was interviewing Maya Angelou, one of our time's great poets. As you might imagine, much of the conversation was enlightening and meaningful, however one aspect which was especially moving was Oprah's showing a video clip from Ms. Angelou's grown son, Guy. In this video message to his mother, Guy spoke of what it was like growing up as the son of someone famous, and one phrase in particular struck me as something that we all might want to keep in mind. He said something like. "Mom, I didn't grow up in your shadow, I grew up in your light!"

Of course, part of this was pertaining to the tendency of children of famous people to feel that they are always living in the shadow of their parents. If this was all there was to the quote, then I may not have chosen it as one of my weekly selections because I always try to choose quotes that have meaning to those of you who have asked to be a part of this service. However, I believe that this concept of children growing up in our light versus our shadow applies not only to the rich and famous, but to all of us, and the reason lies in how children view the adults in their lives.

You see, to a child, adults (especially their parents, close relatives, and meaningful teachers) cast a very big shadow, and for a while this is not such a bad thing. In other words, for a time, children feel safer when they are in the shadow of someone bigger and stronger, and this safety helps them muster the courage to begin the process of exploring the world around them. Soon, however, children want and need to become important in their own right, or as independent beings who come out from the shadows and step into the light. This, of course, happens by degrees, which means that childhood is actually a process of stepping out and stepping back, depending on their need for safety or exploration.

Our challenge as parents, teachers, and meaningful adults is to notice what is going on with those we love, and step forward or backward depending on what is needed. Too much shadow and they will never develop their own uniqueness and their own light, too much light and they may never develop the security and self-confidence necessary to step out on their own.

While on the surface this seems like an obvious conclusion, I'm going to suggest that this ability to step back and allow our children to shine (like so many other aspects of wisdom) is easier said than done. Why? Because being important to someone is one of our greatest needs and most rewarding experiences. As human beings, we thrive on the adoration we receive from our children, and therefore this place of importance is often hard to give up. Our children ask a question to which we know the answer and often, rather than help them find the answer for themselves, we proudly blurt it out, basking in the light of "the one who knows." Our children come to us wanting to be acknowledged for their fledgling attempts at music or poetry and we pull out our own instruments and show them how well we can play. Yes, the tendency to be looked up to by our children is a hard thing to give up. However, at some point, give it up we must if we are to allow our children to emerge from our shadow.

So, what can we do? Well, first we can make sure that we are creating places in our lives where we step into the light independent of our role as parents and teachers. This way we won't be as tempted to use our relationships with our children as our only source of self-esteem. Second, we can become aware of the power of both our shadow and our light, and make sure we are giving those that we love what they need, when they need it. In fact, when it's clear that our children are looking to step out, rather than just stepping back and letting them have the light, we can turn our light of love on them and thus amplify the illumination. This way, whether they are loving the safety of our shadow or the light of our love, the result will be "enlightening" for all concerned.

Take care and God bless, Dr. Bill