"The most successful form of correction is when the "other" feels informed versus chastised."

- Bill Crawford

This quote came to me the other day when I was pursuing my favorite leisure time activity...golf. It was a somewhat unusual situation in that I was trying out a new, lighted, par 3 course, and I had my youngest son, Nicholas, along who, to my delight, is expressing an interest in the sport.

There were few people on the course, and we were enjoying our time together by giving him the opportunity to putt a ball once we got on the green, when we were approached by a young man in his late teens or early twenties. This young man then proceeded to tell me how we were breaking a myriad of rules unique to this course and if we didn't stop, we would be asked to leave.

Now, if you know anything about the sport of golf, you know that it is a game of rules, integrity, and politeness. Rather than trying to "get away with as much as you can," the average golfer is someone who respects the rules of the game, and the course on which he or she is playing. As it turned out, this course had some very specific rules that, while I'm not sure were necessary, I would have been happy to have followed if I had been "informed." Instead, I felt chastised and therefore, rather than motivate me to comply with the rules and continue my patronage of the course, the demeanor of the young man ensured that they had lost a customer and created an "ambassador of doom" who will use this story in my seminars as an example of bad customer service.

The point here isn't to get into a debate about whether one should or shouldn't let your 8-year old son putt with you while you play a leisurely round of golf. The point is to give those of us who are in the position of leadership and "enforcing the rules" (supervisors, directors, managers, business owners, parents, etc.) an opportunity to ensure that we are indeed accomplishing our purpose when we "correcting" others. In other words, become clear about what are we really wanting to accomplish, and then choose the behavior and demeanor that creates this result.

In my humble opinion, the young man in question had not made this purposeful choice. If he had, he would have politely come up and introduced himself and explained the rules of the course in a way that had me feeling not only informed, but valued as a customer. Instead, he used criticism and threats to try to make his point, and this resulted in a loss of income and reputation for the establishment for which he worked. In other words, rather than use the interaction as an opportunity to enhance a relationship with a new "more informed" customer (the solution), he chose to focus on the problem, and thus the results were predictably negative.

I wonder to what degree many of us may be making the same mistake? That is, when we find ourselves needing to "correct" another, are we approaching them with respect and the desire to inform, or are we too focused on "the problem," and chastising them in an attempt to change their behavior?

Of course, I would never suggest a change in strategy if what you are doing is working. That is, if you find that by demeaning and criticizing those in your life, they become more cooperative and attentive to your message, then great! If focusing on the problem and who's to blame lays an effective foundation for future interactions characterized by respect, admiration, and a desire to follow your leadership, then don't change a thing. If, however, your attempts at correction and influence are being met by resistance, debate, and hurt feelings, then it's possible that those with who you are communicating are feeling chastised versus informed.

Interestingly enough this can happen regardless of whether you meant for them to feel chastised or not. In other words, it's not enough to have good intentions. We must follow them up with very purposeful behavior if we are to be successful.

In an attempt to practice what I preach, please know that it is not my intention here to chastise, but only to inform. You see, I believe that those of us who are in the position of leadership have valuable information to share. Whether we are teaching our children or informing our customers or coworkers, they need to know what we know so that they can make more informed choices.

The information I am wanting to impart in this week's quote and comment is that we will all be more successful in our desire to influence if we focus on the value of this information (the degree to which "the other" will be served by this knowledge) and an awareness that how we say it will have a tremendous impact on how it is received, and how this will affect our interactions with this person in the future.

The bottom line, when our desire is to inform versus criticize, we will dramatically increase the likelihood that our message with be heard, valued, and acted upon. Plus, isn't this the way we would like others to interact with us?

Take care and God bless, Dr. Bill