"The basic building block of good communications is the feeling that every human being is unique and of value."

- Unknown

I know that there are some who will read this week's quote and wonder "What's the big deal?" They may think: " Of course, everyone is unique and valuable, we don't need a quote to tell us that." While this is certainly true, what I found valuable about this quote from the great philosopher "unknown" is not just its ending, but its beginning. In other words, what is being discussed here isn't just the inherent value of each human being, but how this perception is the "basic building block" or foundation of good communication.

If there is one thing I think upon which we all can agree, it's that poor communication and misunderstandings create many problems, and further, there is a need for people to come together and solve problems in more effective ways. Whether we are talking about those who are trying to create healthy friendships, relationships, families, companies, governments, or worldwide organizations, the ability to communicate effectively and understand each other's perspective is critical to our ability to survive and thrive as a people and a planet. The question then becomes: if this is so clear, why is there so much misunderstanding and debate going on in the world? Could it be that the basic building block or the foundation of the sort of communication we seek is missing?

Let's look back at the last time we were involved in a disagreement. Would it be fair to say that our thoughts were not revolving around the uniqueness and value of the person or persons with whom we were interacting? In fact, weren't we probably thinking of how wrong the other was and asking ourselves why they seemed so intent on arguing for a position that was so clearly flawed? While this perspective is understandable, can you see how it will almost always impede, if not prevent, good communication?

The reason this is true is that for most of us, our challenges with others revolve around our disagreements. We see a situation one way, they see it another, and the conversation quickly dissolves into a debate about "who's wrong and who's right." It's easy to see how this type of discussion can be flawed, or how it can "generate more heat than light" as M. Scott Peck put it (see http://billcphd.com/quotes/disagreement.htm for more thoughts on this phrase).

But what can be done? Clearly we disagree with the person, and thus our tendency is going to be to speak to that disagreement. What if the problem isn't the fact that we disagree, but instead that we have left out one of the basic building blocks of good communication: the ability to see the other as unique and valuable regardless of whether we agree with everything they say?

A good example of this is how we listen to and interact with someone we admire. He or she could be a professor, author, religious person, leader of some branch of government, or simply a good friend. Regardless, because we have approached the conversation with the basic building block of good communication intact (a willingness to see this person as unique and valuable) then even if they say something with which we disagree, we can either speak to our alternative view, or just put this aspect of the conversation aside and speak to our common ground. Notice how this is missing from the debates we see between politicians and so many others we interact with on a daily basis.

Therefore, if we have determined that good communication is essential to the creation of the experience of life we want, and that the willingness to see others as unique and valuable is an essential building block of this type of communication, then I suggest we begin to look for opportunities to practice establishing this foundation prior to all of our conversations. As it is with every structure, the quality of the foundation will always determine the ability of what is being built to hold and protect its occupants when the winds of disagreement howl.

Take care and God bless, Dr. Bill