"How long will we give up the days and weeks of our lives
addicted to someone else's drama?"

– Unknown

Sometimes in our search to find ways to make more purposeful decisions and live more purposeful lives, we may choose to look to questions, as well as, quotes for inspiration and wisdom. For example, this week's question does a nice job of focusing on our tendency to find ourselves sacrificing our lives at the altar of someone else's dysfunction, or giving up "the days and weeks of our lives addicted to someone else's drama." The question asks "how long" are we going to keep this up, however, the real questions seem to be why would we make this sacrifice in the first place, and when are we going to change. Excellent questions, don't you think?

Let's start with why we would make this choice in the first place. I believe that most of us don't consciously decide to follow such an addicted path, we just wake up one day and find that another's drama (or dysfunction) has become the focus of our lives. Still, the question remains: Why do we continue? It's probably fair to say that one reason we continue to focus on other's problems is that it helps us feel better about our own problems. Much like the dramas we follow on TV, we may find some small amount of escape, and maybe even entertainment in looking at the dysfunction of others (hence, the recent popularity of programs, such as, Jerry Springer). Therefore, if our purpose is indeed entertainment and these artificial (and not so artificial) dramas provide this experience, then maybe we are getting what we want and no one is really harmed.

The real problem (and the focus of this week's quote/question) however, refers to the kind of problems that arise when the person to whose drama we are addicted is someone close to us, someone that we care for, and maybe even someone we "love." If this is the case, the question seems to be twofold: 1) Why are we so addicted to their dramas, and 2) Is it really working for us (or them)?

I'm going to suggest that one of the reasons we become so addicted to the problems of those we love is that it's our way of showing that we care. Most of us grew up with the belief that if you care for someone you are naturally worried or concerned when they are in trouble, and you even use this worry as a way to motivate them to change. The idea is that if you show someone that you are concerned, they will stop doing whatever is causing problems in their lives, and in this way your expressed concern and worry could be constructive. This, of course, makes a lot of sense and can even be helpful . . . to a point. When the situation becomes less than constructive or helpful, however, is when our concern fails to motivate them to change, or worse, they become even more dysfunctional. Unfortunately, at that point, many of us just "try harder." In other words, because we hold the belief that we are "supposed to make them change," we express even more concern. Unfortunately, given that our initial attempt at helping them by showing our concern didn't work, chances are that any further efforts (even if they are more intense) will meet with the same fate. Further, the result is an ever-escalating cycle of their addiction to their problem, and our addiction to the drama of their problem. Not good.

So why do we continue? Well, as I have mentioned, we may just think that we haven't tried hard enough. Another reason, however, might have more to do with us than them. What do I mean? Well, if we think that the primary reason that someone loves us is because they need us . . . or similarly, if they didn't need us they would leave us, then we may also believe that their drama (and our part in it) is what is keeping us in the relationship. If this is our belief, then we must stay over-involved in their problem (or "addicted to the drama"), or risk rejection and abandonment.

Regardless of the reason, however, it's easy to see how this perspective could be detrimental for "us," but what about "them" or the person to whose drama we are addicted? I'm going to suggest that our over-involvement is as problematic for them as it is for us. How? Well, when we are interacting with another based upon what we see as their "problem," we are actually defining them by their dysfunction, and the message we are continually sending is that we have no confidence that they can change (without our "help," of course). Their problem is that they also see themselves as "flawed" and "powerless to change," and, thus, our attempt to help, is really a reinforcement of the belief that they are "sick" and only we can "make them well." Again, the result is an ever-escalating cycle of addiction and dysfunction based upon our collective fears.

So what's the solution? I'm going to suggest that we look first to the aspect of the situation over which we have the most influence...our beliefs and our behavior. If seeing ourselves as someone's "only hope" or as "lovable only when we are needed" is keeping us trapped in a cycle of addiction, I suggest that we begin to redefine who we are, and how we want to create our relationships with others. As we do, we will very likely see that living "addicted to someone else's drama" is incongruent with who we want to be, and we can begin to practice relating to others "on purpose."

By the same token, as we change our patterns of interaction with the "problem person" by giving up our role as "savior," we also give them the opportunity to change. The good news is that either they will or they won't, and either choice will give them valuable information. Unfortunately, some people don't change until it becomes too painful not to. If this is the case, we may need to give them the gift of their pain (versus trying to minimize it) so that they can see this discomfort for the valuable information that it is. In any case, our refusal to continue to live our lives addicted to their drama will be a gift of love for all concerned. By changing our perspective, we give all concerned a chance to create a life of purposeful focus versus habitual addition.

Take care and God bless, Dr. Bill