"The bond that links one's true family is not necessarily one of blood but of respect and joy in each other's life."

– Richard Bach

I like this quote from Richard Bach's "Illusions" because it gives us the opportunity to become purposeful about who we hold dear in our life and call "family." Now don't misunderstand, this is in no way meant to diminish the value of one's biological family. In fact, when our biological familial relationships are created and maintained around the concepts of respect and joy, they offer an opportunity for love and fulfillment that is almost unparalleled in our experience of life. The sense of shared history combined with quality familial bonds can be very powerful factors in the creation of "the best of all worlds" as it applies to relationships.

The problem seems to arise when we find ourselves beating our heads against a wall, trying to create relationships with people based upon "should," obligation, and/or the fact that in the past someone had sex with somebody else and we were the result. Chances are these are people that we wouldn't dream of spending time with, were they not part of our biological family. Chances are also good that these relationships aren't being created and maintained around the concepts of "respect and joy in each other's life." So, how's that working for you? Probably not very well, and I am going to suggest that it isn't even serving the other members of your biological family either. Why not? Well, when we continue to interact with people even when they are being dysfunctional (treating us and others with a lack of respect and love), the message that we are inadvertently sending is that their dysfunctional behavior is acceptable, even effective. They then have no reason to change, and every reason to continue to treat us with a lack of respect and love. We are not giving them very good information, and are in a sense colluding with, or supporting their problematic behavior.

So, what can we do... try and make them change? Well, we can try, however, my guess is that they are not going to respond with "What a wonderful idea. Thank you for sharing." Further, they are not likely to feel very "respected" by our pointing out what's wrong with them.

Instead, I suggest that we first become clear about the qualities, core values, and/or criteria that are important to us in creating and maintaining all of our relationships (respect and joy in each other's lives, for example). We can then take responsibility for modeling these qualities (this is a very important step because we can't expect others to treat us in ways we are not willing to model). Further, we can let others know what's important to us in a relationship and see who chooses to join us in our declaration of respect and joy. Those that agree with these concepts and are willing to take responsibility in co-creating relationships in these ways become part of our real family, and we go on to strengthen and deepen these quality relationships. For those who choose not to join us in our commitment to a quality relationship, we bless them, and let them know that if they ever change their mind, we would love to have them back in our lives.

The blessing is that they receive good information about the effect of refusing to treat people with love and respect. Maybe if they hear this from enough people, they may choose to change. Either way, however, we have chosen to avoid participating in (and thus supporting) dysfunctional relationships and are now taking 100% responsibility for creating the type of relationships in which we believe. The type that reflects a "family" where respect and joy in each other's life is the bond that lasts forever.

Take care and God bless, Dr. Bill